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| january 4th 2009.
its been so long since i wrote in this thing.
but i didnt feel like i needed to.
and i still dont. i guess im just bored right now.
but i thought i should update because my life has changed so much.
jaycee? i figured myself out... i didnt love him.
and i broke up with him.
i was a jerk in the breakup, but i really needed to let him go.
i didnt wanna be with him anymore.
and i can still say he was probably the best boyfriend ive ever had, and ever will have.
he treated me the best at least... maybe because he was whipped.
but thats besides the point.
i have a new boyfriend, and he`s younger than me.
he`s a sophomore... but i fell for him.
and this time its different.
i know i said that about jaycee, but ive been totally honest with kc.
i tell him everything, and he knows me.
we argue alot, but its never anything we cant overcome within like ten minutes.
i told him that im not going to fall in love with him anytime soon either.
we`re good together, and i do like him.
i like him alot, veryyy much<3
and i dont know about 39423 years from now,
but right now, he`s my world.
and btw, ralph has completely been out of my life.
and this time, im not just saying that... its the truth.
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| february 18th 2008
its been awhile since ive written anything, and well not much has changed. im still with my baby, but we did break up for a week. but that`s all good now. i just felt like writing about my feelings. trust me, im getting over raphael now. its just sometimes i think about it all, and i just need to write about it. believe me, my boyfriend is the only guy for me: but it was vday a little while ago, and i want to write about lost love. lost love, but gaining a better one.
I never thought about this day, or how it would feel. you know, not to think about you the same way. yeah i still wonder about your doings and stuff, but i dont think about you every second of the day anymore. its weird, because it seems like you`re completely moving out of my life. honestly, thats my fault, but its not intentional. its just how i feel. i cant look at you no more, cant touch you, or even talk to you, and i guess im walking away from our friendship. but its just too weird now. with you, i had feelings and thoughts i never had with anyone else. you were my first love, first real love. first real hurt, first real tears. it wasnt like a breakup i been through. before i was just sad for a little, and maybe not even sad at all. but when you and i really came to our end, it was devastating. for the first month, i cried myself every night to sleep. i mean think about it. think back on what we used to be-- what we used to have. with you, everything was so different. feelings and emotions were to the max. when i was happy, i got super happy. when i was hurt or upset, it tore me apart. i just remember in 8th grade, where we wanted to be just friends with benefits. boy, we didnt know what we were getting ourselves into. i mean remember june 9th 2006? i do. i also remember that summer when i was "with" idreis, and joe called you telling you that 'your girl' was all over drizzy. i remember you calling me right after that. with any other girl, i know you would`ve just been whatever about it. i guess it bothered you. then i remember you asking me out, and me saying no. i remember it all. i remember freshman year. we had other people, but we still talked all the time. how did that even work? we told eachother everything still. its the same way now, why cant we talk? i remember us crying, us laughing, and i remember alot of the things you said. you told me i was different, that you cant just get over me. well you kinda did, and it hurt. have you ever thought back to the times we had our late phone calls, and we`d talk about us being together? what happened to all of that? its just so ironic. i feel like we were together for years, and one day, without even warning we both decided to part. im not saying i dont like that we separated, because i do like it. that`s kind of mean to say, but im better off without you in my life. and well as you can see, im happy with who im with now. but its just so weird. i remember going to your house late at night just to talk. i remember some of the things you told me that were top secret. i wonder if im still the only one that knows the secrets. i remember when you told me i was a better best friend than joe, that you are nothing without my friendship, well then why is it so easy for you to not talk to me. im avoiding you because i developed this hate for you, but i still wonder. did you really love me like you said you did? you said all these things to me, that you and i can never be just friends. does that all still apply now? or were they just some lies, you spitting your game? i think about it from time to time. we`re done, we`re over, and im fine. but every single word you said to me, every time you touched me the way you did, did it just all die? i also remember july 13th 2007. and i know you wont forget that day to. we shared a heart, we were in love, or were we? i still question some of the things you said you felt for me. but then i question myself too. did i just convince myself that i was in love with you, better yet, did you convince me? or was i really? now that we`re completely done, i just want the answers to these questions. im strong now, and over you-- so for once, can you tell me the truth? but then maybe not knowing the truth, not reminiscing about the past with you is better. i just wont ever know whats better for us. but can you answer this one question for me? no, its not if you ever really loved me, or if everything you said was a lie. but-- do you ever think about me now? you know, what we went through? do some things remind you of me? do you wonder how im doing? if my heart healed, or if its still broken? do you ever miss me? do i randomly pop up in your head? wish from time to time that i was your girl? no, do you ever wonder what could`ve been? because i do.
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| december 16th 2007
its been six days since i have updated, but for some reason, it seems alot longer.
so many things can happen in such a short time.
like really being done with someone you thought you "loved."
man, raphael is out of my life.
i dont like him AT ALL, im completely turned off by him now.
and so i guess i got rewarded...
i got to see my baby yesterday.
only for an hour, but that was enough.
it was such a special moment.
we didnt really do much,
but it was still really cute.
i met his mom, she`s super sweet.
he got his level on wednesday, so everytime he comes home, im allowed to see him.
they invited me to their house on christmas eve.
im definitely going to go.
its going to be so dang special sharing christmas with my baby.
i like him sooo much, and there`s no better love i can ask for.
even if its tough, not seeing him as much,
we must be doing something right, bec. we dont have any intentions of breaking up with eachother.
his smile was so good to my eyes, and voice.
he got buffer too... my boyfriend is so sexy.
i cant wait till christmas eve, maybe even this saturday when i can possibly see him.
right now, he`s the main thing that keeps a smile on my face.
(:
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| december 10th 2007
alright, so like i said, everytime i think me and my boyfriend are going perfect, something has to come up.
so im kinda scared to say this-- it might jynx things, but im gonna put it out there.
i think that me and my boyfriend are back on track.
the whole sending a letter to pin straightened out.
he only wrote to her, bec she wrote to him first.
she wrote him asking him to break up with me, and get with her.
he replied by saying no.
the things he said to me, seem so real. i dont want to, and wouldnt be able to believe that he is playing me.
if you`re a player, you dont do that much to keep a girl,
and well jay does alot for me.
he told me that he would never make the mistake again of taking pin back, because he did that before and all he did was hurt him.
and i believe him.
from now on, im going to believe the things he says.
it may be very risky,
but im willing to leap.
i usually always hold myself back, and so i never get anywhere.
but this time, even if he has every ability to hurt me, im going to dive in and see whats really there.
we dont write to eachother as much as we used to, let me rephrase that:
he doesnt write me as much as he used to, but when he does it means alot.
sometimes i feel like he and i are losing touch,
but something is still there, so im going to try.
even if he cant get me a gift, im still going to get him a xmas present.
its not his fault.
i got him boxers, and i made him a shirt so far.
the shirt is really corny and gay, so im not sure if i want to give it to him.
ehh` we`ll see.
i also want to get him a long sleeve and something else.
maybe pj pants or something.
efff mann, i miss him alot.
he hasnt gotten his level one yet, and it that makes me really sad,
but he`s working on it, and im here to support him, not bring him down.
now he`s supposed to get it on the 12th, which is wednesday.
i really hope that he does.
if he does, and he keeps his points, ill be able to see him saturday.
but not only that, every saturday.
i really really want him to keep his points.
the 29th of this month will be on a saturday, and its going to be our 4 months.
HOPEFULLY, he`ll already have his level by then, and ill get to see him :]
i think im falling in love with him.
i just pray to god that its the right person and he`ll do me wrong.
im falling, and when i fall i fall hard--
baby, please be there to catch me.
------------<3
just some things i wrote because im bored and sort of emotional:
life is like a game of tetris,
you never know what you`re going to get next,
but you try your best to fit each piece together carefully, so that it fits.
something you make a mistake, and from there its all your choice.
you can take several other pieces to fix it,
or you can simply let it all pile up till you cant take it anymore.
everything that comes your way will be unexpected,
and different,
but dont be a sore loser--
one mistake wont make you lose the game,
unless you let it beat you.
nobody can explain the feeling of love,
and i know dang sure i cant.
but when your heart flutters by just hearing his name,
or you get butterflies knowing that he`s coming,
its something special you shouldnt ignore.
when he laughs at your flaws instead of getting turned off my it,
or when he gets upset with you while you cry,
you know that he`s a keeper.
when you see yourself doing things you never though you`d do,
or when you count the minutes it takes for him to call you,
you know that you have really big feelings for him
when the worst comes to worst, and you`re still together,
or when you get really happy, and he`s the first one you wanna share it with,
maybe, just maybe, you have fallen in love.
i know that i have loved you before,
and that i did once want to be with you really bad,
but you cant blame a girl for moving on.
i have accepted the fact that you didnt want me bad,
bad enough to leave all the other booties in the world,
and so i did my best to leave you.
did you really expect me to wait until you were ready?
until you had all the pussy you can take?
well that wait was a little bit too long, and now i have gone away.
i used to fear that leaving you would be a mistake,
waited two years, why not wait?
but there has never been a better decision in my life.
i found someone who can love me right,
the kind of love if been missing all my life,
and there is no other love that i want to feel.
sure now you want me,
when you cant have me,
but boy, that`s the way its going to be.
fall in love all you want.
take every chance you get.
you`re going to get hurt,
but how will you ever know who`s the right one if you dont try?
if you feel it,
tell the person,
because you never know if it was meant to be.
and if it wasnt,
dont be afraid to let them go,
love is never once in a life time.
if you get hurt,
pick yourself up because if you are strong enough to move on,
you`re defnitely strong enough to find someone new.
You may have really loved that one person,
but that person may not have been the right one,
keep searching, bec. there is always someone that will love you better.
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| december 1st 2007
everytime i think that things between my and my boyfriend are perfect,
something comes up which bothers me.
im so scared of losing him, and so scared that he`s gonna end up leaving me for someone better, and scared that he`s playing me.
i heard that he called his ex girlfriend on one of his home visits, and that he wrote her a letter.
that kinda worries me.
it always seems like what he's telling me is the truth.
like how much he likes me, and how much he's scared of losing me.
his "friend" even wrote me [but something makes me feel like he wrote that letter] that he's real scared of losing me, that he really really does love me like he says he does.
then what the heck are all these side stories going around for?
im so used to be second best, and i feel like, that`s still what i am....
i sent him a letter asking about the letter he sent to his ex.
i mean i dont mind them being friends and stuff,
but then again i do. i guess its a jealousy thing?
im not sure.
sometimes i feel like just letting him go will be the best thing right now.
because he's not in any state to have a girlfriend, and its not the easiest thing having a boyfriend you never see.
but then again, i feel like our communication is so strong,
and im scared that i let him go, and he was really focused on me.
that he really did love me as much as he said he did, and that i really was his one and only.
that he meant everything he wrote in all the letters--
i dont know what to think.
what if i let him go,
but he could`ve been my first love?
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